What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:44
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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So whats the point in blame.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
What did i know ?
I said to her
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We all went to grammer schools
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was scared of men, in general
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She married twice! .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I don,t even have a pension.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was seconnd youngest,
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
Put me off passion for life!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Would this be the day?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.